I was not going to write this post originally, but I am feeling a little brave right now. When I started this blog I promised myself I would be honest with you. I would be honest with you, the strangers who read my blog. The problem with a blog though is when you tell your family about your blog they tend to follow it (Hi Mom!) and well audiences with faces are scary. Faces make honesty hard because they talk back. I stopped sharing the harder parts of study abroad. Well, here is a little honesty.
One month from today I may set out… I will set out on the adventure of a lifetime. I GET THIS PEOPLE. Seriously I get it. I get it as much as a person can get something they have yet to experience. I’ve read the books, asked the questions and read the blogs. I don’t know what else I can do to get “it.” I am excited beyond words and I am a woman not often without words. I am so excited I wake up at night thinking I can hear the ocean. I am so excited I watch Univision even though “the ants go marching two by two, harah harah…” across the screen. (Seriously God bless consistent TV coverage.) Anyway… the point is I am excited. Capiche, capiche. (more on excitedness later. I promise)
I am terrified, like wake up in a cold sweat terrified. I am terrified like I never was when I went to college. (Yes there IS a lot of up and down.) I don’t do well with fear and it makes me crabby. I am afraid I will not have enough money. I am afraid I will not have the right cloths. I am afraid I won’t be able to speak the language as well as I need to. I am shit out of my mind terrified at times (excuse my language, but sometimes there is no more eloquent way to say it.)
I have a hard time with uncertainty. I am a need to know kind of girl. There is a reason I read all the books and ask all the questions. I NEED to know. Some part of me needs that sense of control. Well quite frankly I keep loosing that sense of control. Weather it is what I am going to need to wear to fit or am I bringing enough money or more impossible questions like, will I be homesick? I know I can ask and read again… and again… and again, but I also know there is no way to know. There is no way to know how I am going to react until I do and, quite frankly, I HATE it!
I know this time will pass. Soon my 12 weeks at work will come to a close and I will be caught up in packing, in hunting, in leaving, in trying not to cry as I say goodbye, but right now… well… sometimes the anxiety controls my emotions about study abroad. There it is the truth. Not all of it, but more. Quite frankly a girl needs some secrets, but this, this I never expected. Maybe it will help someone else or maybe it will help me. Who knows… but for today, I go to sleep feeling a little bit lighter. Sometimes honesty feels good.
Do you have ways you help control your fears when they come up, even if you are normally a role with the punches kind of person?
Or my latest question, how do you pack a small amount of homemade jelly in a bag during three international flights without it breaking?